There are three things that are certain in this world. One, NASCAR is not a sport but rather an efficient way to waste valuable natural resources. Two, Baron Davis is the most exciting player to watch in the NBA. And three, Minnesotans and Iowans (or “Iowegians”) will never be able to fully decide whose state is actually better.

But how can something so arbitrary be decided? Well, just like the BCS scoring, I’ll use an arbitrary system to decide which state can actually be considered “superior” to the other one. It will be a system of points based on certain aspects of the state.

Since I’m from the Bob Barker state (a.k.a. South Dakota) I have a third party perspective that allows me to look at both states rather objectively.

One thing that both Iowans and Minnesotans argue over is who has superior sports teams. This is a typical conversation between the two:

“Iowa doesn’t even have a professional sports team. You have no argument.”

“We have the Hawkeyes! Besides, all Minnesota pro teams suck.”

Since they are arguing about different sports entities, it’s a worthless argument. The best way is to look at each in their own context.

Minnesota does have pro sports teams, and they have in the past been semi-successful. So for that, they get two points.

The University of Iowa has a better sports record than the University of Minnesota, but they are still lacking pro teams. For that I give Iowa one point.

Now one thing that seems to be a major conflict between the ‘Sotans and the Iowans is their difference in opinion when it comes to their regional dialect. Iowans do possess a less noticeable dialect, and therefore, think they know how to say things properly like bagel, boat or Peja Stojakovic.

I do agree with those lovable Hawkeyes that sometimes it throws me off when those Gophers say things like baugel or bote instead of bagel and boat. For that, I give Iowa two points.

The next thing one has to look at is the location of the state. Minnesota is right below Canada, so that’s not so good. But they are right next to Lake Superior, so that cancels out Canada. For that, they get no points.

Iowa boarders the worst state in the union, Missouri (or Missourah). For that they lose a point.

Next, and probably the most important aspect of this entire scientific investigation, is what the states look like. To me, Minnesota looks like a stretched-out Pacman, and that is pretty decent. On other hand, Iowa kind of looks likes a skid mark — what with their imaginary boundaries on the top and the geographical ones on the side. For that, I give Minnesota one point.

Final count: Minnesota 3, Iowa 2. Minnesota wins by a narrow margin of one arbitrary point.

Now, I’m not saying that Iowa is a horrible state — I’m just saying that it is slightly less cool than Minnesota. I know this column will be as hotly contested as the “Tuck Rule” review in the 2002-2003 Patriots-Raiders AFC Championship Game. But hopefully this will end all Iowa vs. Minnesota violence.

If there’s one thing everyone can agree on, it is that both are clearly better than Missouri.